you're not a saint, just another soldier
by receding shadows
Summary: Brianna was never very good at choosing. ; Brianna-centric, Brianna/Computer Jack, Brianna/Dekka


_**you're not a saint, just another soldier**_

**summary: **Brianna was never very good at choosing. / Brianna-centric, Brianna/Computer Jack, Brianna/Dekka

**disclaimer:** the gone series does not belong to me.

**a/n: **sorry if i got a few details wrong, it's been a while since i've read the books. also, i realize that jack was near death at the end of 'fear' but how about we overlook that minor detail for the sake of the story.

* * *

.

she likes to make out with computer jack sometimes.

he's not very good looking, and he's not even that good of a kisser, either, but he's (almost) the only one who actually likes her in _that _way, so she settles.

plus, he's really fucking _strong_, and she likes that in guys.

(she likes it about girls too, but she doesn't know that yet.)

.

jack tells her he loves her one day, stuttering and blushing, but she doesn't respond.

"do you not love me back?" he asks quietly, a hint of sadness (and maybe a little bit of uncertainty) in his voice.

"i don't love anything. you should know that by now," is the only thing she can think of to say.

.

she isn't really sure when she starts noticing how dekka doesn't notice her anymore.

all she knows is that when she looks over at dekka, dekka's eyes are on something else. or, more specifically, some_one_ else.

it's not that she _likes_ dekka or anything, it was just reassuring to know that she would always be wanted, that whenever she was having a bad day she could think, "at least i'm not a lonely loser. at least someone thinks i'm good-looking."

of course, there is still computer jack, but he doesn't really need her, he just thinks he does whenever he gets horny.

"whatever," brianna thinks to herself, "it's probably good that she got over her little crush, 'cause i never would have felt the same way anyway."

.

she feels jealousy for the first time when she see's dekka and dahra baidoo together.

she knows she has nothing to worry about: dahra has boyfriend after all. but she still feels herself start fuming when dekka giggles about something dahra says.

it's times like these when she wishes that she hadn't made that dumb promise to just stay 'bad ass sisters' with dekka.

she tries to convince herself that she's okay.

.

she starts to worry about where her feelings about dekka are going, so she tries to convince jack to have sex with her.

he declines the offer at first, droning on and on about how "he's only thirteen" and "we're far too young to be having sex."

eventually though, she reminds him that they're too young to living on their own and also, too young to be killers, and at that he shuts up.

she reaches for his belt, and still, he stays silent.

.

after it's over, brianna doesn't think she's felt this good since she discovered her power.

sure, it hurt a little at first, but she quickly got over it because , hello, she's _the breeze_, and she can do anything.

she likes sex, this much she knows. she also knows that she definitely likes sex with _boys, _be more precise. sex with _computer jack, _surprisingly.

she'd like to think that would be a definite sign of her being straight, but for some reason she can't help wondering what sex with a girl would be like.

.

she starts subconsciously getting closer to dekka.

at first it's subtle, little waves when she sees her, a small smile here and there.

but then she starts talking to dekka more and more. it eventually leads to frequently asking her if she wants to hang out. and despite supposedly not having feelings for brianna anymore, dekka never declines the invitations.

.

it's a random monday when dekka kisses her.

it's just a small peck on the lips, one like her mother used to give her father in the morning.

regardless of the shortness of it, it doesn't cease to make brianna's heart start beating faster.

"sorry," dekka whispers. "i just had to know."

"it's okay," brianna promises softly.

she kisses her again, and this time brianna kisses back.

.

she's so confused, she realizes. more confused than she's ever been, even more confused that she had been back when they still had math class.

she likes jack. _really_ likes jack. but she's also finally accepted that she has feelings for dekka.

"why can't i just have both?" she wonders aloud one day, then groans at the unfairness of the situation.

.

they're making out one day in brianna's room, when suddenly, dekka pulls back.

"what's that?" dekka asks curiously.

"what's what?" brianna responds, bewildered.

"that," dekka says louder this time, "on your neck." she touches the spot right under her ear.

shit, brianna thinks. the hickey. computer jack. shit.

"it's just a bruise. i was running at top speed, not paying attention, and i accidently ran into a bug."

surely dekka would believer her. after all, it's happened before, unbelievably. when going over 200 miles per hour, even running into a dandelion seed would hurt.

however, dekka doesn't seem convinced.

after a moment of silence dekka responds angrily.

"you're still seeing him."

"dekka, no-" but it's too late. dekka's already storming out of her room and slamming her door.

.

somehow, computer jack finds out about her and dekka's secret relationship.

she first assumed that dekka was the one to tell him, but eventually she comes to her senses and realizes that jack may be nerdy, and dorky, but the one thing he will never be is dumb.

she shows up at his house, ready to apologize, but when he answers the door to see that its her, he just shakes his head disappointedly, and softly closes the door back.

_jack_ may not be dumb, but at this moment, brianna has never felt more ignorant in her whole life.

.

the three of them, realizing they all can't go around being mad at each other forever, sit down over a dinner of fish to (reluctantly) talk about things.

"i love you both," brianna says. "but i know that's not very fair for either of you, or myself."

"it's okay that you're confused, breeze," dekka says, putting a hand on brianna's shoulder. "we're not mad about you not knowing what you want. we're mad about you seeing both of us behind the other's back."

this sounds oddly familiar, brianna muses. she realizes its oddly similar to a talk she had with her parents, what seems like ages ago. they were getting divorced and brianna had to choose who she wanted to live with. her dad had a lot of money, more things to give her, but her mom was more caring, and had a bigger heart. she didn't want to have to pick, she wanted both. this nostalgia makes her come to a realization.

"maybe i just loved parts of you," brianna admits softly.

.

in the end, she doesn't end up with either of them.

she tries to convince herself that she's okay.

.

fin.

.

**a/n:** thanks for reading! please review. constructive critisism is always appreciated.


End file.
